Everyday emergency managers are communicating with people inside and outside of their organizations. Communicators can improve by deliberately paying attention to how they communicate. Betty Lochner is a former emergency manager turned author. Her book, Dancing with Strangers, looks at ways to communicate more effectively. She shared some tips for enhancing our communication skills as emergency managers.
Question: What is the relationship between the communication that happens between individuals and the communication that happens between organizations?
Answer: Communication that happens between individuals is something you can personally take responsibility for. You can change how you communicate with others and how you respond to others. None of us can really change anyone but ourselves, so work on improving your communication skills first.
Communication that happens between organizations relies much more heavily on the culture that has been created by the decision-makers and leaders. It is very important in organizations that modeling good communication happens at the top. Organizations must know what their mission is, and how to communicate that clearly in everything they do.
Listening and speaking are the two primary elements that make up communication. What are some common mistakes that people make as it relates to these two elements?
One of the common mistakes we make is that we think we listen better than we do. Most of us don’t listen all that well. We plan what we are going to say next, or how we will rebut, or we are simply distracted by something else — noise, e-mail, texting and other things going on around us.
You will experience a huge difference right away in your relationships if you simply listen more and speak less. And, by the way, that’s easier said than done. We have to practice listening and work at it to improve.
Another common mistake is that we don’t take time to pause before we speak. Think about what you need to say and how you need to say it. Pay attention to your total message — body language, tone of voice, eye contact — and not just your words.
What can we do to improve our listening skills?
Good or “active” listening skills are about supporting and making sure you understand what the speaker means to communicate. It’s about choosing an attitude that helps you understand as the speaker understands it.
In Dancing with Strangers, I give five strategies to improve your active listening skills. They are:
1) Slow down your listening; breathe; think about listening; be aware and be present.
2) Pay attention to what is being said and the body language presented. Offer statements of observation such as, “You sound angry.” Listen and watch for the tone of voice, body language and facial expressions.
3) Get clarification on what is being said. Ask questions. Try to understand the story — their facts, feelings and perceptions. Say, “Tell me more.”
4) Validate the speaker. Say things like, “It sounds like you are feeling left out.” Or, “It sounds like you don’t really want to go.”
5) Paraphrase. Repeat in your own words what was said to make sure you understand. Try something like, “What I hear you saying is …” or “So, you are saying …” Then check for understanding. Say, “Is that right?”
Are the communication skills you use at work or at home directly applicable in reverse to your home or work settings?
We often communicate differently in the two settings for these reasons:
- We are usually more comfortable in our relationships at home, and therefore may not work as hard at communicating better.
- We have a different communication culture at work and at home. At home it may be less formal, for example. At work, there may be a certain communication culture that you need to adhere to.
But the bottom line is that improving your communication skills will have a direct impact on your relationships at work and at home. Learning how to communicate clearly and how to listen and be understood really will make a huge difference in the quality of all of your relationships.
People seem to avoid confrontation until it builds and builds and then there is what you describe as a “kaboom” event. Why is that?
Most people simply aren’t comfortable with conflict. We avoid or ignore the signs hoping it will go away, until there is a big problem that I refer to in my book as a “kaboom” event. When we don’t deal with issues that need to be dealt with in a timely manner, they pile up. The problem gets bigger and bigger until it blows up and you have a messy conflict on your hands.
The way to avoid kaboom in your relationships is to deal with issues when they first appear. When something isn’t quite right, doesn’t go well, or you see a behavior you don’t want, address the problem sooner rather than later. Say what you need to say in a respectful manner. Say what you are thinking, feeling and wanting to have happen. When you deal with issues early on, you avoid kaboom.
Emergency management’s foundation is the personal relationships between the many partners who have to work together when disaster strikes. What would you recommend for building a strong relationship with others from the outset as it relates to communication?
I can sum it up in one word: respect. No matter who you are talking to, or what position of authority (or not) you are in, always treat whoever you are communicating with respectfully. Take a minute to put yourself in their shoes and treat them how you believe they want to be treated in that situation.
And no matter how stressful the situation is, pay close attention to your communication skills. Be aware of how you are communicating. Don’t take shortcuts, or make the assumption that everyone knows what you mean. Above all, make sure you are understood. Ask questions such as: “Does that make sense?” “Do you understand what we are doing and how?” “Can you walk me through what your process/plan will be?”
Find a way to make sure you are understood. And don’t forget to listen to the feedback.
People vary greatly from one another. How do you take that into account when you are working on your communications with others?
You need to know who you are talking to. We all have different communication styles. It’s important to know your style — do you need to be in charge, or are you more concerned about supporting each other? Do you need to analyze and process, or do you respond quickly? Knowing your own style is a big step toward learning how to adjust to different styles that you work with.
In addition, you need to think about what generational, cultural or gender differences you have and match and pace your communication to match who you are communicating with (not the other way around). I go into a lot more detail on this in my book and workshops. Learning to match and pace your style to those around you can make a huge difference in your effectiveness as a communicator.
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